i'm not allowed to be angry.
everything i hold dear to me was broken, destroyed, stolen, and lost.
what am i supposed to do about it???

and sometimes

i have an angry side
like a retard who cant paint
throwing everything
i'm pissed
why is it like this
what can i do
all of you deserve my rage
for what you have created in me

today

today
i forgot how much i loved you
and i cried
knowing i would forget tomorrow

yesterday
i cant remember
and i am stricken by the deja vu
remembering bits and pieces,
but mostly forgetting about you

tomorrow
i wont need the memory of being sad
for i'm lost and helpless without a clue
my sticky notes are depressing
and i feel like a fool

i barely remember why i started this
i've degraded that badly
i'm much past my expiration date
but i cant throw myself away

603

i hope she sucks your dick out of pity while you tell her how horrible i was to you, but thank god shes a whore, thats all youve ever wanted. i hope she knows of your illnesses and the diesese that strikens you. and as you giggle at the little notes i left all over your wall, swearing it never meant anything, you'll tell her shes what youve been looking for, maybe we could be together. and she'll fall for it because shes insecure, she needs the attention, she is willing to see thru your bullshit because she doesnt know she can do any better. you'll pound into her and rip her apart like a piece of meat, and she will truly believe you when you tell her you love her. i remember the day you met her, telling me what a fun little manipulative sex toy she would be, how you would bring her home and we could get her drunk. you fantasized about her screaming no. and now where are you? trying to play into her daddy issues? where is this going to get you? does she know about your history? has she heard the stories of the other girls? has she lived long enough in my shoes to be able to say "i can handle it." shes just a poor little girl that you'll turn into your whore. one day i hope she grows past this and realizes the sick freak you are. i hope for once you do actually fall in love and she rips your heart out. after crying so much about your life being suck a hell, and get all the pity sex you can from girls obsessed with myspace and ponys and hot topic, i hope your life actually does live up to the image you have created about being homeless and helpless with no one but a bitch of a wife and a disabled daughter, no money and no place to go. if they really knew where you were at and what you were doing while you texted them, if they really knew that i tasted their pussy juices on you, would they stay? would they still feel sorry for you?

yesh

i want passion.
this is what i want.
i crave someone who is dedicated to what they love, and will do anything for it.
from friends to football, whatever it takes.
this makes more sence now,
you see,
i dont want someone old
or new
but someone with the energy and
PASSION!!

and

here i am again
writing, a blog i suppose,
at least thats what the site entails
its possible it will be the same as the last,
i dont apoligize.

i forgot my mother last night.
i dont mean that i tried to "get over her"
i mean i buried my head in a fresh new blanket,
and i smelled her.

but i couldnt invision her face
her personailty is long gone,
along with any emotional attachment.
perhaps years of trying to sever ambilical residue has caught up to me,
now that i'm at peace.

i recall few things about her.
mostly things that i repeated in stories over and over,
i'm not sure whats real or warped.
i know she worked at a car dealership.
i know that she has dark hair.
and i know that shes crazy,
but thats not much of a description for your own mother.

sex.
its a funny thing.
its been blown wayy out of proportion,
it feels good.
at least to everyone else.
but like most good things in life,
people like to use it against each other,
to get something
somehow,
i dont even know.

its like my mind is flipping channels,
i forgot what i was going to say within the two breathes i take to type
oh fuck..

maybe i'm ADHD..
i would just like someone to take me seriously,
i mean some do,
but still.
i feel that i need serious help..

i cant write tonight, i just cant...

feb 7

i can still feel the day i breathed,
but today is blurry
i cant even count,
i dont  know what to do.

i'm blame it on being tired,
i think i'll even yawn.

maybe its the stress

i honestly dont even know.

everything appears to be in another language
its like nothing is working out
or making ANY since at all..

i know what i am pyscially supposed to do
well,
the basics.

right now i should be going to bed.
tommorow i will work.

but what was i supposed to do in between?
uhm, a doctor appointment maybe?
was i supposed to go to that place with that thing and the person...

i feel half awake, spaced out...
stoned out of my gourd.
i try to sing along to stay awake,
its not helping.

well,
goodnight.
i forgot the point in writing this now...