Mind.

There are several stages to memory loss.

I do not believe I can accurately describe the different feelings and experiences properly to anyone that has not experienced losing their memory.

Stage 1
Bliss
During the first stage, the person with memory loss with forget about upsetting events from the week before, or even the day before. It is very easy to lack the ability to stay mad at someone, and this later leads to repetitive arguments over the same subject. While in the bliss stage, a person can forget about finances, life goals, relationships, and responsibilities and simply be "happy" unaware of the chaos around them.


Stage 2
Confusion
During the second stage, a person can easily become confused about why certain things have taken place, some due to the bliss stage. For example, during the bliss stage, they might have neglected to pay the electric bill, or it could be as simple as talking to someone about something, and not remembering it later. This can become a large problem if the person has made promises, fallen in "love," or started a life change, like school or work. Confusion can lead to the nest stages, which happen periodically in no particular order.

Stage 3 and 4
Loss of Emotions / Overload of Emotions
The most recent stages to me, as I am sure there will be more, are very tolling on a person. At times, a person will be completely void of emotions, and then at other times, very upset and frustrated when things don't work out. This stage is very similar to manic/depression, but should not be classified as the same thing. The sudden lack of emotions is more like an empty feeling of, well, no feelings.

I'll continue more on this later when I reach more stages. Hopefully I will be able to explain them at that point.

dear cancer,

You can take my hair,
You can take my tits,
You can take my curves,
and my fucking wits.


You can scar my mind,
You can bleed my brain,
You can crack my spine,
but I won't compain,


You can't see my hurt,
You can't feel my pain,
You can't smell my fear
when I go insane.


I can't remember you,
or how you came to be,
but there's one thing I know
and that's that I'll hold on to me.


I won't forget my heart,
or my love of fun,
or how to laugh,
even though I'll forget my name,
by the time your done.


I won't forget the faces that brought me this far,
or the way my daughter cheers me up,
you just can't take that from me.


I will always know I'm beautiful,
even when they throw beer cans at me and snicker.


I will always remember that I'm sexy,
even when they call me "sir" in the most sincere way.


The one thing you have given me,
is the inability to hate.


I can't stay mad.
I can't remember what they did.
I can't get sick of the same food every night.
I enjoy legos and coloring books the more you deteriorate me.


But it's also harder to build things like
love
or
trust


when you can't recall who someone even is.


it's a little harder to try new things,
when you wake up under someone else's ceiling,
and it's not the same popcorn white one as yours.


It's a lot easier to be trigger happy when you don't even know who you're enemy is.


But I will invest in play-doh, and I will enjoy my days.
Even though I have the bad ones, where I can't remember my own name.
And maybe I'll sleep with a night light, from the paranoia
which comes with multiple personality
which leads to bipolar
which leads to confusion
which leads to rage.


so maybe i'm not always pleasant, but it lasts just for a moment,
until tears run down my broken jaw,
for I can't remember anything. 


But I remember loving,
and the warmth of a loved ones arms,
the forgiving and forgetting nature of this silent conversation.


You see, 
I won't let you take me,
though you might take my body,
and my mind, 
and maybe even my ability to function.


But I'll fight til the day I die,
holding onto every sacred memory,
every day I've ever been blessed to have,
and every sweet moment with my daughter.


I'll grasp for every piece of brain cell I have left,
running back over them,
retracing my steps.


I might get lost at Wal-Mart,
or even in my own house,
I might forget that I don't work there,
and try to clock in.


I might puke every time I eat,
but I'll keep tasting without fail.


Dear Cancer,
Dear Bleeding Brain,
Dear Immuno-defiencency,
Dear lack of motor skills,and memory,
Dear seizures, and convulsions,
Dear nails falling off, and hair falling out,
Dear degenerative soft tissue damaged right frontal lobes
and all other medical speak,


I won't let you take me.






I will hold my head high, 
when they wheel me into hospice.


Even if I'm holding a babydoll and mumbling to myself...

I could spit on you, Stranger.

7 1/2 years, and that's if your lucky. 

You didn't notice the flash of the cameras, the over stuffed purse, or the widening eyes? 

You saw this one coming, and ran straight into it. I can't say I pity you, you chose your own demise. 

My only regret was trusting and loving you, but I fell for a shadow, I cared for a fraud. 

I hope you hurt not more victims, or lay no more graves. I pray they run from you lies, and may your soul be saved. 

So many songs sung, for the plan of your new life. So many promises made to do things right. 

But your still the same junkie, the boy that I met. I should have got off that swing set, and just turned around and left.  

But instead I pursued you, in innocence and passion, I was so naive. 

For you led me to certain death, and at the last minute I turned. I can lead a horse to water, but it takes a steed to learn. 

You were never my hero, or my shining knight. I was your escape, I tried to show you the light. 

But the dark vines had grown in, years before me. There's nothing I could do, this is how you were meant to be. 

You were a prisoner to yourself, now you're shackled for sure. You thought the world had limits, now it's all locked doors. 

I once had a son, I would name him after you. His picture in your wallet, hope you didn't forget about that too. 

Then I grew up and got married, with a little girl to adore. I have to say goodbye, for you just aren't Chris anymore. 

momma.

something worth crying over

she doesnt just need a kidney, but several other organs.
there is no cure.
she cant walk.
or eat.
or talk.
but she stills loves more than anyone could.

her condition is getting worse.
and there isnt even a proper diagnosis.

i love her so much, i wish i could be there so badly, the guilt i feel that she wouldnt even accept my help.
<3



please get better...

babble

i am the fight in your viens
and the words you've been trained
to say
its okay
and act for your audience

i am the rebel that slides
for my cause is unbiased
and somehow
i get away with it

i am the weakness you feel
in your knees
when you steal
a second glance
at something you hated

i fill the space in your mind
when there's nothing to find
but an empty home
and wallpaper torn

i am the tickle in your throat
from the words that you spoke
lingering
in the air

i could be the laugh in your chest
if you wouldn't second guess
my intentions
are pure

but instead the pain is to deep
for you sow what you reep
let it sink
it's already done

i'm not allowed to be angry.
everything i hold dear to me was broken, destroyed, stolen, and lost.
what am i supposed to do about it???

and sometimes

i have an angry side
like a retard who cant paint
throwing everything
i'm pissed
why is it like this
what can i do
all of you deserve my rage
for what you have created in me