waiting for me

this mind is full of emptyness,
yet i cant find room for you.

these thoughts are causing cancer,
and i'm just trying to see through

the sun is shining out today,
but the clouds can keep me blue.

your voice is so welcoming,
though i'm having deja vu.

my insecurity cant fight this,
you know what you do.

the syablles flow soft as knives,
my heart they slice into.

i cannot find my own tongue,
its stuck to the roof of my mouth,
crawling, clawing its way out,
i dont know what to say,
do i tell you?
do i trust you?
do i run into the unsuspecting arms of my dreams
or do i chase my reality?

do i fall?
do i sink, into this depression?
should i lunge, just to trip,
on the spikes of the truth.
do i speak just to lie,
in this bed of confussion?

i cant find my place,
in all of this rejection.

i cant find happiness,
in all of this obsession.

tonight is coming closer,
not that it matters.

tommorow keeps passing,
not that it greats me.

the wind passes through me,
without my permission.

the air invades me,
these waves crash against me,
the water ingulfs me,
i cant help but surrender.

so when does it end?
when do i stop typing, when do i stop talking?
i'll start again.
with this three month memory.
i'll forgive and forget.

just not myself.

ACH

beeping machines and screams
halls full of colors to brighten the others
they make it like home so you'll leave them alone
so they can disappear to another

i was told this

"you are not capable of being mean to someone no matter what fucked up shit they do to you."

i dont, i cant hate anyone, in fact, most of the time i find a way to justify it and make it seem like my own fault. well check this out,

FUCK YOU.
(i mean it this time)

so i daydream of being ran over
i imagine the tires on my back
the pressure
but the calm

then i sleep
and i dream of your two sides
sandwiching me
surrounded by love and suppressed hate

so i look to my left
smile
to my right
i die

the things i hate the most
are the most welcoming
they haunt me
yet i chase them back

i dont understand simple logic anymore
there's always another complication
another
you dont understand

i do understand
i'm right here doing it
i've been climbing uphill since i can remember
and you're just floating in the breeze

careless
maybe i should be
but i am a stresser
she does deserve the best

its electric in the air
i swear i can feel it tingle in my viens
confussed and frustrated
i dont know how else to put it,
but its like learning how to crawl

beauty is but a curse
in this wasteland of wasted souls
but whos to say i'm beautiful
when i'm falling so hard
for all fallen angels go to hell
but at least you'll be there with me
and when i'm on the floor
you look down at my with pity
but i will look up smiling
for i'm content, thought i'm condemned
in this life filled with their happiness
a slave to this perfectionist society
an upside down puzzle piece
jammed in
left to my own denial

revisited

seven months or seven years
whats the difference?
they were both mine, but for different times
and it will always end in disaster
the beautiful lie will end
and i'll go back to my old ways
i'm a little more worn now
thats all
and i regret it, i do
just like i regretted being with you
and sure
i feel free
but alone
but two people cant be together forever
although forever isnt that long
and its nice to believe in something
even if its not true, and you know that
if it makes you happy, its alright
but one day
you must wake up
and realize
just because you feel it
doesnt mean its there
or real
and definetly not capable
of loving you back
and i got away, only so far
with dead memories and scars
the old me dead
and i dont know if its right,
but it will work for tonight.
(until we wake up)


i'm sure this isnt pretty
or what you expected
thats life
quit crying
and you ask why i'm not
for its not the end of the world
but just the end of tonight
this love is killing me
and i hate it so much
wasnt this new last year?
but tonight its rusting
not in your face,
but on the corners
and when you try to rub it in
you rub it on yourself.
so thank you
for doing the dirty work
and taking the blame
just to hear me tell you otherwise
but this time i dont
and you only cry harder
and you ask me if
I'll wait for you
and maybe I will
theres nothing better out there.

twiddling the pencil, like what to write now
and you stare at me with my head down
like youre watching me paint someone
youre waiting me me to look up
so you can judge my work
critisize me constructivly
will it really help
if you call me emo
or gently put your hand on my shoulder
and telling me

there is a god

yeah that will make everything better.
   Right.

i miss the old days
and the way you used to hole me
like i was real
and the love was too
and i used to fit in
it was comfortable
but boring
although it was easier then
the streets are more welcoming
always oper door policy
out here
its so much easier to fall apart
fall back into the arms of nothing
but perhaps the ground
a stranger is always available for sympathy
although i've made the choice to be out of touch
out of luck
i know i'm not the first
in this drought
wasteland of wasted souls
comprimising everything you are to survive
pathetic in a sence
hilarious to an extent
pawns in a checkmated game
however i'm satisfied with the results
or just settled for the best
so leave me be
in my star craving sick sad little world.