Awake.
Shakes.
Pills for the shakes from the other pills.
Heart 100.
Can't feel it
Count it.
Work.
Even though I just got off work.
Lysol batteries sugar orange juice superglue.
Interesting.

Shoes.
Feet.
Walk.
Bye.

please

HELP ME

mein tiel

ich möchte nicht Ihnen dieses erklären aber ich liebe dich. seine harten, in diese Sprache zu schreiben, aber ich wissen, dass Sie mich, sogar ohne einen Übersetzer verstehen können. ich benötige das Gefühl wieder. ich bin litterally süchtig. noch einmal. zweimal mehr. ich brauche. ich brauche. zurückgekommen bitte i' ll kommen zurück. ja.

 

vunderbar..

halloB

are you here?

i miss you, i shouuldnt say this but i do.i suppose its probably due to some sort of unfound jealousy or maybe the feeling that i am no longer wanted. i want to feel wanted, i guess that is all i have ever been after, after all standing out and acting out, you know how i was. maybe its the fact that i know you have loved, and probably still love, someone else, or better yet, several others.


you're mine.
you always have been.
you just forget sometimes,
its alright, we all do.
but just know,
you will
come back to me.


and you are back to me,
just the same as you were.
wind in my hair, hand on your heart,
i jerk away,
WHY.

whats wrong with me?
i cant remember,
it was important.

ok.
its gone.
better.
chills.
urg...

memory log

off work.
baby.
dinner.
smoke.
sleep.

rotate and repeat.


all i did was training on a computer, it wasnt that interesting, and maybe thats why i'm so tired.
i cant imagine how i'm going to do when i have to come home at 2 am and stay up half the night with the baby, and go back to work at 3 the next day, not to mention all the errands and doctors appointments.

by the way, i'm mostly writing this one for myself. i want to remember life. i want to live instead of survive.

so i shall remind myself of the dinner i made.
chicken, corn, garlic toast, french onion soup, which had completly smelled up my clothing and house entirely. it is amazing.

tommorow should be even better, i'm supposed to get my license and stuffs.

mind

i'm really confused
my memories are all mashed together,
i cant distinquish them from each other
was it yesterday?
last year?
wait, three years?
i dont even know.

who would tell me the truth, if i asked?
who would honestly tell me every little detail
without changing it to fit them?
oh, of course you did that for me
and that person is bad
how would i know any better?

i feel like my brain is rotting
i cant put it any better
i can feel it degrade
every day

scent can trigger memories better than anything
music is second best
vision can fail alot, it can play tricks on you

so what do i listen to?
should i ignore the smell of my mother on my pillowcase?
i swore i burned everything that meant anything
bambi isnt just said for the deer

i understand today
right now
i am here
with myself
i get that much
i know i walked to where i am sitting
i know how the food got in my stomach
i ate it

but how did i get here?
how did this happen,
was i manipulated,
or was i the one using trickery to my advantage?

was i raped?
or was i the one molesting?

yes, i know this seems like a simple obvious answer
its more indepth than that

HOW WOULD I EVEN KNOW??

i need help.
i know that.

it gets worse every night
i often wake up crying and not knowing why
its not the dreams, thats a whole nother thing

i've seen some fucked up shit
i know this
i've watched someone die
i've hurt someone
i've watched them cry while laughing
but how would i know
who
when
where
how
how
how

how can i explain to you how i feel if i cant even remember five seconds later?
i turn on spongebob, and moments after, i am happy
i must be
right?

but why would you tell me
whats happened
what was done to me
what i did to them
why not live in eternal bliss?

its not that simple
its bits and pieces thrown at my subconsious
its my own living hell that i am trapped in
i'm not sure i would even recongive myself
if i saw a movie of my life

i might laugh at the tradgedy
giggle at the tears
and fall over in my chair when they take her away

i would narrarate it like a teenager watching a movie
"he's right behind her, why doesnt she just run?"
"theres a phone, call the police"
"oh, she could have got out of that one"

its like the way a dream is
confuzzling to the extreme
you just fall into another situation with no idea of how you got there

i wish someone would understand how i feel
be able to tell me
heres what you do

perhaps its a bad idea to try and recover lost memories
maybe i should be satisfied
try to find a nice little simple life
i'm damned anyways

dream

i dream about the ones  i love dying, being raped, molested; all because i trusted someone. and its real in my head, its torture,
its a dream i cant wake up from very easily, but when i do and come to, my heart is pumping at 180. i feel like i'm dying just from
dreaming these dreams. and theres this cat, that seems to be suffering, so i cut its head off, just to realize its still alive.
and this little boy keeps walking around, he wont talk to me, but near the end, he takes me to this room, i guess to play with
this other little boy, and when i go to pick up the other little boy, he's cold and limp, like its been months since he's breathed,
maybe years. and i jump back, the alive little boy laughs, and i realize theres something wrong with this. and this lady comes in, and
i think shes supposed to be the mom but shes after me. i dont understand this. it sounds like a big mash up of stuff that isnt
involved with my life, but in the dream, its my family. ryans there too, but i cant seem to wake him up, he keeps saying, 'its alright.'
i think the only way to shake this feeling is to write it down. get it out of my head. its not real it cant hurt me, yet i wake up
crying with bruises that go along with the dream. and the mother, she has this huge house, everyone loves her, i think she's supposed
to be helping me, but when no one is around, she keeps trying to strangle me. i cant write it down fast enough before i forget the details
that make it make sence why i would be scared, why it would seem real, why it really COULD hurt me.

and that cat, that was my cat, i could feel her, i held her limp body, yet after i sliced into her neck, she started breathing again...

my heart isnt beating right, its too fast to count...

i cant even...

i want to die alone.
i dont want to feel the pain of loving someone, i dont want to have to lose to gain.
its a constant battle in my own head as it is, and in the end, i just wanted to be loved.
i wanted a simple life of ramen noodles and standard cable;
the idea of a white picket fence and apple pie was long gone.
i just wanted someone to come home to and feel the warmth surround me.
i wanted to be wanted by someone i wanted to want.

i love the way you look at me,
like you havent seen me in years, and your just dying to hold me.
i wish that feeling was real.
your eyes and cold like a porcelin doll's.
i used to stare at my dolls when i was younger and shake them violently and say "why wont you love me?"
i think this was a completly different deep seeded pyschological problem, but thats what i feel like when i look at you.

i want to rip out your yarn hair,
scratch out your glass pupils
split your rock head open,
and scream.

and other times,
I just want to stare at you.
I want to imagine you as the little lamb of a boy that I met.
I want to embrace you and whisper in your ear,
run my hand through your hair, cradling your head,
and passionatly kiss you,
knowing
no one
has ever love you this much.

i want you to go away, i want you to leave me alone.
i dont want anyone, none of them truly want ME.
you're not going to be mine,
you're not going to be mine,
you're not going to be mine.

i want to close my eyes and sleep for days until i forget about this bad dream,
yet remember never to sleep again.