i'm really confused
my memories are all mashed together,
i cant distinquish them from each other
was it yesterday?
last year?
wait, three years?
i dont even know.
who would tell me the truth, if i asked?
who would honestly tell me every little detail
without changing it to fit them?
oh, of course you did that for me
and that person is bad
how would i know any better?
i feel like my brain is rotting
i cant put it any better
i can feel it degrade
every day
scent can trigger memories better than anything
music is second best
vision can fail alot, it can play tricks on you
so what do i listen to?
should i ignore the smell of my mother on my pillowcase?
i swore i burned everything that meant anything
bambi isnt just said for the deer
i understand today
right now
i am here
with myself
i get that much
i know i walked to where i am sitting
i know how the food got in my stomach
i ate it
but how did i get here?
how did this happen,
was i manipulated,
or was i the one using trickery to my advantage?
was i raped?
or was i the one molesting?
yes, i know this seems like a simple obvious answer
its more indepth than that
HOW WOULD I EVEN KNOW??
i need help.
i know that.
it gets worse every night
i often wake up crying and not knowing why
its not the dreams, thats a whole nother thing
i've seen some fucked up shit
i know this
i've watched someone die
i've hurt someone
i've watched them cry while laughing
but how would i know
who
when
where
how
how
how
how can i explain to you how i feel if i cant even remember five seconds later?
i turn on spongebob, and moments after, i am happy
i must be
right?
but why would you tell me
whats happened
what was done to me
what i did to them
why not live in eternal bliss?
its not that simple
its bits and pieces thrown at my subconsious
its my own living hell that i am trapped in
i'm not sure i would even recongive myself
if i saw a movie of my life
i might laugh at the tradgedy
giggle at the tears
and fall over in my chair when they take her away
i would narrarate it like a teenager watching a movie
"he's right behind her, why doesnt she just run?"
"theres a phone, call the police"
"oh, she could have got out of that one"
its like the way a dream is
confuzzling to the extreme
you just fall into another situation with no idea of how you got there
i wish someone would understand how i feel
be able to tell me
heres what you do
perhaps its a bad idea to try and recover lost memories
maybe i should be satisfied
try to find a nice little simple life
i'm damned anyways
