not a blog,

just to let everyone know, the recent blogs are just transferred from my myspace, they are not new and do not depict my current feelings. mysti inc. is not responsible for any one hurt by these writings.

dumbass.

Feb 16, 2010

dumbass.

I should have let them take you. You call me crying and shaking in your skin, and I make the cops stop pounding on your door. I tell them, no, don't take him, he's changed, he's not the person they say he is. So the case is dropped. And what do you do? Call me threatening to take my child, calling me a fucking narc and saying I ran my mouth. Baby, if I wanted you in cuffs, you'd never see the sun again. And do you think I really would have tried to save your ass if I was the one narcing you out? I didn't have to call the cops, you've got plenty of friends that are good for that. Oh, and it wasn't the greatest idea to leave a voicemail saying that the cop told you it was me and that you're after me now. I think you enjoy the drama and maybe even want to get caught. I should have let them take your sorry ass. My daughter and everyone else would have been alot safer with you off the streets. But I'm sure it won't be long before one of your buddies drives the knife all the way in. I'm sorry, I didn't have the heart to take your life away. But You've lost Greg. Your family. Your home. Your friends. Your job. And I'm the one who's fucked? Yeah. Okay

do not under any circumstances, read this.

Oct 6, 2009

do not under any circumstances, read this.

to be honest with you...
ha.

the air raid sirens are going off in my head again, then theres that little buzzing noise, and it gets perfectly quiet and still. frozen in time is this little peacefulness, the shadows dont twinkle anymore, and i anticipate the squealing of another death. then it snaps back to the sick reality. sitting still in the darkness, letting the chaos dance around me, it seems so surreal. for one minute could someone step into my world? or at least take a moment to diagnose me and give me a stronger dose to make the voices go away? it sickening how it wont stop or pause, even to explain momentarily what is going on around me. "its cryptic and encoded with nothing but fear, if the beauty was so real, then why am i here?" but that part died too. all contributions of friends. my appreciation is awarded to you.

i want to rise up and make it stop, but it still wont. like dreaming and screaming, but no one can hear. just wake up, please wake up. who's to say if this is real or not? perhaps i'm the one laying in a hospital bed with no clue to what is around me, hopeless and helpless. i didnt mean it, i promise, trust me. its just that once the feathers come out of the pillow, they'll never go back in with out some ripping and shredding. i loved all of you so much, so why did you hurt me? all i ever wanted was for you to smile. perhaps it will take my demise.

fuck

Dec 2, 2009

fuck.

Fuck you and your insecurites, I never wanted to be here anyways. I am a host for your diesese, a breeder, a seeder, a virus. Fuck me for wanting to live my own life. Fuck all the things I wanted to be. I'm dropping everything, and catering to you because you needed me. Fuck seeing what else the world has to offer, I'm stuck here with sympathy. I'm waiting at your becking call to hold that tissue when you sneeze. I guess you needed an angel, so I guess that's why god sent me. Although no one appreciates angels, except for as a mantlepiece. So I'll be the secret in your closet, your wonderful fantasy. And I'll be your forever an I'll be here for always, until you no longer need me. Then I'll seek out the next soul that lands on my doorstep, faded and in need. And laugh at myself for caring. Fuck me for being me.




If you think this is written for you, forget it. It means nothing.

forgot to remember

Nov 12, 2009

forgot to remember...

Remember Remember The 5th Of December

Oh remember remember, the 5th of December
Marked by lyrics, ones to remember

The sky was dark with clouds of gray
The Hatter's lake, in night, not day...

Riding an iron horse, to show to the play
I joined the group then my horse ran away

I searched and I searched by night and day
Till a little blond pixie showed me the way

Remember, remember the 5th of December
A curse was placed to force me to remember

The Pixies words, the lyrics, of the curse of December
"Por Siempre, My dear, in lipstick on the mirror"

letter to a fiend

Apr 18, 2010

letter to a fiend.

There's just some things I can't change. No matter what I say or do, your scars are there in the shape of my hand. You're gonna have to except this eventually, even when you refuse to look in the mirror, much less at me. I know it's hard to understand that I'm that little blonde pixie that swallowed your soul and devoured you with a grin and giggle, yet I still care about you, but I do. And I know that I can make you happy, and I can't get you to hear one of my words, but I know this is not where you belong. You're fucking yourself, and repeating the same mistakes in a more attractive manner. It's human nature to try and recreate favorable parts of the past, but sometimes you just have to face your past. Look, I don't know why I try. I'll never forgive myself for it, I'm sure the memory of me is digging and tearing and infecting the papercut I created. And what good does it do me? At one point, you swore you had changed and everything was clear. I held on to the scent, image, and feel of you for so long, driving the nail deeper and deeper into my brain. Who did all of this benefit? We were once innocent kids, with unreal promises and dreams. Or at least I was. You were brillant and fast paced with adventure in your veins, running and running and chasing something that you've never even seen. You baffled me and I fell for your charm. But now you've become a monster, with ice cold skin and a face of stone. Did I do this? I just wanted to love you, not change you. I never understood you until it was too late, or my feelings. I remember the last thing you told me was that I was just too insane. You didn't say it to be mean, but with a tone full of concern. Maybe I just confused rage and passion for love. I often wonder if any of it was real, or just how I'd prefer to remember it. So I have to tell you, for your sake and mine, if you have any care left for me, don't ever let me know. Run. I'm just too fucked up and sadistic for you. But don't forget that fate never boards up a door without smashing through a window. And Theres no such thing as a last chance. Well, ha ha ha.

sleep

Dec 3, 2009

sleep.

these terrors
and it feels like someone is gripping my throat
and squeezing

like last night
not tremors
worse

sometimes
i wake up
tired

and sometimes
i see flames
and i'm holding the matchbox

sometimes
i imagine people i love
dying
by my hand

these thoughts
about destruction
appeal to me

these memories
seem unknown to me
like i was somewhere else

sometimes
i see the mirror
but not the person

and sometimes
i dont know who you are
or much less, myself

its always so
blurry
confusing

these insanities
amuse me
unlike anything worldly

this blood
is so vivid
and unreal

sometimes
i cant
wake up

Feb 25, 2010

• bulletin entry.

  Why bother asking a question if you know you won't get a straight nor truthful answer? He has left Indiana and all I want to know is if he is headed my way, and I know he will never tell me. Gah. Fucking hairless rat.... I should have let you kill yourself all those times! At least part of you knew you were insane.... Even better, I shoulda let them dig you a grave like they wanted to at the carnival. But no, I held you like a helpless baby crying in my arms. Fuck you. Fuck me for still thinking about it. But alas, there is only eternal sunshine in the spotless mind.

gjd

Dec 28, 2009

• gjd

  i could:
  still want you.
  (yet hate everything you do)
  check your little twit-aim updates everyday.
  (even though there are no more)
  call you, paige you, everytime you cross my mind, endlessly.
  (for that chance you might accidentally answer)
  track your location with pin point accuracy.
  (for i once had that ticket in my hand)
  watch this fucking live cam of yours.
  http://67.162.91.244:8080/
  (even though its just as empty as you)

old love note

Mysti Rayne,
    Before I met you life was plain you make me happy like Mary-Jane. I'm not usually one who dates I really want to ever if I have to wait laying here in the dark searching deep inside my heart. I really love you for who you are. You're so beautiful, and so smart. I'm not trying to push you into anything. With my voice I couldnt say these things. So I write things down to let you know just how much you mean to me. As far as sex, it's not the world. I've fucked so much ass, dont mean shit. Dont get me wrong, i wouldnt mind making sweet love to you. I havent tried anything, nor would i ever without your opinion being expressed, I have too much respect for you. You are not like other girls.

You are really amazing, You're like the perfect drugs. I think you've got me hooked already. I am so addicted to you. Give me a chance and I promise you things will get better. I promise you that I'll never hurt you. I've been hurt too many times myself. I never thought I would be able to love again, but obviously I was wrong. I didnt think I would be able to ever trust another femal. Wrong again. I love you alot and trust you with my life. Just remember that everything happens for a reason. I think this was meant to be. Everything seems so right about it. Let me know how you feel.

:)