Mind.

There are several stages to memory loss.

I do not believe I can accurately describe the different feelings and experiences properly to anyone that has not experienced losing their memory.

Stage 1
Bliss
During the first stage, the person with memory loss with forget about upsetting events from the week before, or even the day before. It is very easy to lack the ability to stay mad at someone, and this later leads to repetitive arguments over the same subject. While in the bliss stage, a person can forget about finances, life goals, relationships, and responsibilities and simply be "happy" unaware of the chaos around them.


Stage 2
Confusion
During the second stage, a person can easily become confused about why certain things have taken place, some due to the bliss stage. For example, during the bliss stage, they might have neglected to pay the electric bill, or it could be as simple as talking to someone about something, and not remembering it later. This can become a large problem if the person has made promises, fallen in "love," or started a life change, like school or work. Confusion can lead to the nest stages, which happen periodically in no particular order.

Stage 3 and 4
Loss of Emotions / Overload of Emotions
The most recent stages to me, as I am sure there will be more, are very tolling on a person. At times, a person will be completely void of emotions, and then at other times, very upset and frustrated when things don't work out. This stage is very similar to manic/depression, but should not be classified as the same thing. The sudden lack of emotions is more like an empty feeling of, well, no feelings.

I'll continue more on this later when I reach more stages. Hopefully I will be able to explain them at that point.

dear cancer,

You can take my hair,
You can take my tits,
You can take my curves,
and my fucking wits.


You can scar my mind,
You can bleed my brain,
You can crack my spine,
but I won't compain,


You can't see my hurt,
You can't feel my pain,
You can't smell my fear
when I go insane.


I can't remember you,
or how you came to be,
but there's one thing I know
and that's that I'll hold on to me.


I won't forget my heart,
or my love of fun,
or how to laugh,
even though I'll forget my name,
by the time your done.


I won't forget the faces that brought me this far,
or the way my daughter cheers me up,
you just can't take that from me.


I will always know I'm beautiful,
even when they throw beer cans at me and snicker.


I will always remember that I'm sexy,
even when they call me "sir" in the most sincere way.


The one thing you have given me,
is the inability to hate.


I can't stay mad.
I can't remember what they did.
I can't get sick of the same food every night.
I enjoy legos and coloring books the more you deteriorate me.


But it's also harder to build things like
love
or
trust


when you can't recall who someone even is.


it's a little harder to try new things,
when you wake up under someone else's ceiling,
and it's not the same popcorn white one as yours.


It's a lot easier to be trigger happy when you don't even know who you're enemy is.


But I will invest in play-doh, and I will enjoy my days.
Even though I have the bad ones, where I can't remember my own name.
And maybe I'll sleep with a night light, from the paranoia
which comes with multiple personality
which leads to bipolar
which leads to confusion
which leads to rage.


so maybe i'm not always pleasant, but it lasts just for a moment,
until tears run down my broken jaw,
for I can't remember anything. 


But I remember loving,
and the warmth of a loved ones arms,
the forgiving and forgetting nature of this silent conversation.


You see, 
I won't let you take me,
though you might take my body,
and my mind, 
and maybe even my ability to function.


But I'll fight til the day I die,
holding onto every sacred memory,
every day I've ever been blessed to have,
and every sweet moment with my daughter.


I'll grasp for every piece of brain cell I have left,
running back over them,
retracing my steps.


I might get lost at Wal-Mart,
or even in my own house,
I might forget that I don't work there,
and try to clock in.


I might puke every time I eat,
but I'll keep tasting without fail.


Dear Cancer,
Dear Bleeding Brain,
Dear Immuno-defiencency,
Dear lack of motor skills,and memory,
Dear seizures, and convulsions,
Dear nails falling off, and hair falling out,
Dear degenerative soft tissue damaged right frontal lobes
and all other medical speak,


I won't let you take me.






I will hold my head high, 
when they wheel me into hospice.


Even if I'm holding a babydoll and mumbling to myself...

I could spit on you, Stranger.

7 1/2 years, and that's if your lucky. 

You didn't notice the flash of the cameras, the over stuffed purse, or the widening eyes? 

You saw this one coming, and ran straight into it. I can't say I pity you, you chose your own demise. 

My only regret was trusting and loving you, but I fell for a shadow, I cared for a fraud. 

I hope you hurt not more victims, or lay no more graves. I pray they run from you lies, and may your soul be saved. 

So many songs sung, for the plan of your new life. So many promises made to do things right. 

But your still the same junkie, the boy that I met. I should have got off that swing set, and just turned around and left.  

But instead I pursued you, in innocence and passion, I was so naive. 

For you led me to certain death, and at the last minute I turned. I can lead a horse to water, but it takes a steed to learn. 

You were never my hero, or my shining knight. I was your escape, I tried to show you the light. 

But the dark vines had grown in, years before me. There's nothing I could do, this is how you were meant to be. 

You were a prisoner to yourself, now you're shackled for sure. You thought the world had limits, now it's all locked doors. 

I once had a son, I would name him after you. His picture in your wallet, hope you didn't forget about that too. 

Then I grew up and got married, with a little girl to adore. I have to say goodbye, for you just aren't Chris anymore. 

momma.

something worth crying over

she doesnt just need a kidney, but several other organs.
there is no cure.
she cant walk.
or eat.
or talk.
but she stills loves more than anyone could.

her condition is getting worse.
and there isnt even a proper diagnosis.

i love her so much, i wish i could be there so badly, the guilt i feel that she wouldnt even accept my help.
<3



please get better...

babble

i am the fight in your viens
and the words you've been trained
to say
its okay
and act for your audience

i am the rebel that slides
for my cause is unbiased
and somehow
i get away with it

i am the weakness you feel
in your knees
when you steal
a second glance
at something you hated

i fill the space in your mind
when there's nothing to find
but an empty home
and wallpaper torn

i am the tickle in your throat
from the words that you spoke
lingering
in the air

i could be the laugh in your chest
if you wouldn't second guess
my intentions
are pure

but instead the pain is to deep
for you sow what you reep
let it sink
it's already done

i'm not allowed to be angry.
everything i hold dear to me was broken, destroyed, stolen, and lost.
what am i supposed to do about it???

and sometimes

i have an angry side
like a retard who cant paint
throwing everything
i'm pissed
why is it like this
what can i do
all of you deserve my rage
for what you have created in me

today

today
i forgot how much i loved you
and i cried
knowing i would forget tomorrow

yesterday
i cant remember
and i am stricken by the deja vu
remembering bits and pieces,
but mostly forgetting about you

tomorrow
i wont need the memory of being sad
for i'm lost and helpless without a clue
my sticky notes are depressing
and i feel like a fool

i barely remember why i started this
i've degraded that badly
i'm much past my expiration date
but i cant throw myself away

603

i hope she sucks your dick out of pity while you tell her how horrible i was to you, but thank god shes a whore, thats all youve ever wanted. i hope she knows of your illnesses and the diesese that strikens you. and as you giggle at the little notes i left all over your wall, swearing it never meant anything, you'll tell her shes what youve been looking for, maybe we could be together. and she'll fall for it because shes insecure, she needs the attention, she is willing to see thru your bullshit because she doesnt know she can do any better. you'll pound into her and rip her apart like a piece of meat, and she will truly believe you when you tell her you love her. i remember the day you met her, telling me what a fun little manipulative sex toy she would be, how you would bring her home and we could get her drunk. you fantasized about her screaming no. and now where are you? trying to play into her daddy issues? where is this going to get you? does she know about your history? has she heard the stories of the other girls? has she lived long enough in my shoes to be able to say "i can handle it." shes just a poor little girl that you'll turn into your whore. one day i hope she grows past this and realizes the sick freak you are. i hope for once you do actually fall in love and she rips your heart out. after crying so much about your life being suck a hell, and get all the pity sex you can from girls obsessed with myspace and ponys and hot topic, i hope your life actually does live up to the image you have created about being homeless and helpless with no one but a bitch of a wife and a disabled daughter, no money and no place to go. if they really knew where you were at and what you were doing while you texted them, if they really knew that i tasted their pussy juices on you, would they stay? would they still feel sorry for you?

yesh

i want passion.
this is what i want.
i crave someone who is dedicated to what they love, and will do anything for it.
from friends to football, whatever it takes.
this makes more sence now,
you see,
i dont want someone old
or new
but someone with the energy and
PASSION!!

and

here i am again
writing, a blog i suppose,
at least thats what the site entails
its possible it will be the same as the last,
i dont apoligize.

i forgot my mother last night.
i dont mean that i tried to "get over her"
i mean i buried my head in a fresh new blanket,
and i smelled her.

but i couldnt invision her face
her personailty is long gone,
along with any emotional attachment.
perhaps years of trying to sever ambilical residue has caught up to me,
now that i'm at peace.

i recall few things about her.
mostly things that i repeated in stories over and over,
i'm not sure whats real or warped.
i know she worked at a car dealership.
i know that she has dark hair.
and i know that shes crazy,
but thats not much of a description for your own mother.

sex.
its a funny thing.
its been blown wayy out of proportion,
it feels good.
at least to everyone else.
but like most good things in life,
people like to use it against each other,
to get something
somehow,
i dont even know.

its like my mind is flipping channels,
i forgot what i was going to say within the two breathes i take to type
oh fuck..

maybe i'm ADHD..
i would just like someone to take me seriously,
i mean some do,
but still.
i feel that i need serious help..

i cant write tonight, i just cant...

feb 7

i can still feel the day i breathed,
but today is blurry
i cant even count,
i dont  know what to do.

i'm blame it on being tired,
i think i'll even yawn.

maybe its the stress

i honestly dont even know.

everything appears to be in another language
its like nothing is working out
or making ANY since at all..

i know what i am pyscially supposed to do
well,
the basics.

right now i should be going to bed.
tommorow i will work.

but what was i supposed to do in between?
uhm, a doctor appointment maybe?
was i supposed to go to that place with that thing and the person...

i feel half awake, spaced out...
stoned out of my gourd.
i try to sing along to stay awake,
its not helping.

well,
goodnight.
i forgot the point in writing this now...

Awake.
Shakes.
Pills for the shakes from the other pills.
Heart 100.
Can't feel it
Count it.
Work.
Even though I just got off work.
Lysol batteries sugar orange juice superglue.
Interesting.

Shoes.
Feet.
Walk.
Bye.

please

HELP ME

mein tiel

ich möchte nicht Ihnen dieses erklären aber ich liebe dich. seine harten, in diese Sprache zu schreiben, aber ich wissen, dass Sie mich, sogar ohne einen Übersetzer verstehen können. ich benötige das Gefühl wieder. ich bin litterally süchtig. noch einmal. zweimal mehr. ich brauche. ich brauche. zurückgekommen bitte i' ll kommen zurück. ja.

 

vunderbar..

halloB

are you here?

i miss you, i shouuldnt say this but i do.i suppose its probably due to some sort of unfound jealousy or maybe the feeling that i am no longer wanted. i want to feel wanted, i guess that is all i have ever been after, after all standing out and acting out, you know how i was. maybe its the fact that i know you have loved, and probably still love, someone else, or better yet, several others.


you're mine.
you always have been.
you just forget sometimes,
its alright, we all do.
but just know,
you will
come back to me.


and you are back to me,
just the same as you were.
wind in my hair, hand on your heart,
i jerk away,
WHY.

whats wrong with me?
i cant remember,
it was important.

ok.
its gone.
better.
chills.
urg...

memory log

off work.
baby.
dinner.
smoke.
sleep.

rotate and repeat.


all i did was training on a computer, it wasnt that interesting, and maybe thats why i'm so tired.
i cant imagine how i'm going to do when i have to come home at 2 am and stay up half the night with the baby, and go back to work at 3 the next day, not to mention all the errands and doctors appointments.

by the way, i'm mostly writing this one for myself. i want to remember life. i want to live instead of survive.

so i shall remind myself of the dinner i made.
chicken, corn, garlic toast, french onion soup, which had completly smelled up my clothing and house entirely. it is amazing.

tommorow should be even better, i'm supposed to get my license and stuffs.

mind

i'm really confused
my memories are all mashed together,
i cant distinquish them from each other
was it yesterday?
last year?
wait, three years?
i dont even know.

who would tell me the truth, if i asked?
who would honestly tell me every little detail
without changing it to fit them?
oh, of course you did that for me
and that person is bad
how would i know any better?

i feel like my brain is rotting
i cant put it any better
i can feel it degrade
every day

scent can trigger memories better than anything
music is second best
vision can fail alot, it can play tricks on you

so what do i listen to?
should i ignore the smell of my mother on my pillowcase?
i swore i burned everything that meant anything
bambi isnt just said for the deer

i understand today
right now
i am here
with myself
i get that much
i know i walked to where i am sitting
i know how the food got in my stomach
i ate it

but how did i get here?
how did this happen,
was i manipulated,
or was i the one using trickery to my advantage?

was i raped?
or was i the one molesting?

yes, i know this seems like a simple obvious answer
its more indepth than that

HOW WOULD I EVEN KNOW??

i need help.
i know that.

it gets worse every night
i often wake up crying and not knowing why
its not the dreams, thats a whole nother thing

i've seen some fucked up shit
i know this
i've watched someone die
i've hurt someone
i've watched them cry while laughing
but how would i know
who
when
where
how
how
how

how can i explain to you how i feel if i cant even remember five seconds later?
i turn on spongebob, and moments after, i am happy
i must be
right?

but why would you tell me
whats happened
what was done to me
what i did to them
why not live in eternal bliss?

its not that simple
its bits and pieces thrown at my subconsious
its my own living hell that i am trapped in
i'm not sure i would even recongive myself
if i saw a movie of my life

i might laugh at the tradgedy
giggle at the tears
and fall over in my chair when they take her away

i would narrarate it like a teenager watching a movie
"he's right behind her, why doesnt she just run?"
"theres a phone, call the police"
"oh, she could have got out of that one"

its like the way a dream is
confuzzling to the extreme
you just fall into another situation with no idea of how you got there

i wish someone would understand how i feel
be able to tell me
heres what you do

perhaps its a bad idea to try and recover lost memories
maybe i should be satisfied
try to find a nice little simple life
i'm damned anyways

dream

i dream about the ones  i love dying, being raped, molested; all because i trusted someone. and its real in my head, its torture,
its a dream i cant wake up from very easily, but when i do and come to, my heart is pumping at 180. i feel like i'm dying just from
dreaming these dreams. and theres this cat, that seems to be suffering, so i cut its head off, just to realize its still alive.
and this little boy keeps walking around, he wont talk to me, but near the end, he takes me to this room, i guess to play with
this other little boy, and when i go to pick up the other little boy, he's cold and limp, like its been months since he's breathed,
maybe years. and i jump back, the alive little boy laughs, and i realize theres something wrong with this. and this lady comes in, and
i think shes supposed to be the mom but shes after me. i dont understand this. it sounds like a big mash up of stuff that isnt
involved with my life, but in the dream, its my family. ryans there too, but i cant seem to wake him up, he keeps saying, 'its alright.'
i think the only way to shake this feeling is to write it down. get it out of my head. its not real it cant hurt me, yet i wake up
crying with bruises that go along with the dream. and the mother, she has this huge house, everyone loves her, i think she's supposed
to be helping me, but when no one is around, she keeps trying to strangle me. i cant write it down fast enough before i forget the details
that make it make sence why i would be scared, why it would seem real, why it really COULD hurt me.

and that cat, that was my cat, i could feel her, i held her limp body, yet after i sliced into her neck, she started breathing again...

my heart isnt beating right, its too fast to count...

i cant even...

i want to die alone.
i dont want to feel the pain of loving someone, i dont want to have to lose to gain.
its a constant battle in my own head as it is, and in the end, i just wanted to be loved.
i wanted a simple life of ramen noodles and standard cable;
the idea of a white picket fence and apple pie was long gone.
i just wanted someone to come home to and feel the warmth surround me.
i wanted to be wanted by someone i wanted to want.

i love the way you look at me,
like you havent seen me in years, and your just dying to hold me.
i wish that feeling was real.
your eyes and cold like a porcelin doll's.
i used to stare at my dolls when i was younger and shake them violently and say "why wont you love me?"
i think this was a completly different deep seeded pyschological problem, but thats what i feel like when i look at you.

i want to rip out your yarn hair,
scratch out your glass pupils
split your rock head open,
and scream.

and other times,
I just want to stare at you.
I want to imagine you as the little lamb of a boy that I met.
I want to embrace you and whisper in your ear,
run my hand through your hair, cradling your head,
and passionatly kiss you,
knowing
no one
has ever love you this much.

i want you to go away, i want you to leave me alone.
i dont want anyone, none of them truly want ME.
you're not going to be mine,
you're not going to be mine,
you're not going to be mine.

i want to close my eyes and sleep for days until i forget about this bad dream,
yet remember never to sleep again.